The Expendables 2 – more 80s than a perm!


Remember when you were a kid, and playing Metal Gear Solid and thought “heh guns!”. Then you jumped on Goldeneye multiplayer and though “heh more guns!”. Then you went for a walk down the shops for some sweets and you have a cheeky game on Street Fighter and thought “heh, physical violence!”. If you were anything like me you longed for the day when some genius would put it all together into one epic orgy of carnage. Sylvester Stallone is that genius. Yeah I said it!

Ol’ Sly Stallone is a man after my own heart, I can see the day he came up with the idea for Expendables 2 now. He was sitting in his room after just watching Timecop and decides to play a bit of Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, after completing the Airport level, his mum shouts upstairs and tells him its time to go to bed now, so he dives under the cover and slowly nods off to Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. He wakes up refreshed and checks his e-mails and sees another classic Chuck Norris internet fact send by his BFF Dolph Lundgren. He thinks, “Man that Dolph is funny, no one really sees that side of him, and smart too! I know, I’ll write and star in the Expendables 2, and we’ll have a shoot out in an airport in Russia, and Dolph will be hilarious and smart and there will be awesome cars with guns and bits of metal attached and it will be great. Oh and Chuck Norris will be in it! And Arnie. And Bruce Willis. And JCVD will be the bad guys and do the roundhouse kicks like what’s in Timecop!”

Yes The Expendables 2 has more pop culture references than a…pop culture reference book and it SO cheesy, but who cares, it’s brilliant. Yes we can all pretend to be mature grown ups, reading the right books, watching the right arthouse films, and waxing lyrical on “how important to our modern day culture” this, and “inspiring” that; Expendables 2 is not important to our culture and isn’t inspiring but the big kid in you will love this movie. I say not inspiring but you may have the uncontrollable urge to jump around air kicking and punching imaginary baddies.

The cast is the key here. Seriously, it’s a who’s who or 80’s actioners with a few newer names thrown in for good measure. It’s great news that they are trying to get Clint Eastwood for number 3, get Harrison Ford on board as well and we’re golden. Save for Bruce Lee there isn’t that many badass action stars left. Mel Gibson went a bit loopy, Jackie Chan is great but has done more family friendly fare of late. Steven Seagal has been approached, and I think Kurt Russell would be an awesome addition, focussing all his Snake Plissken-ness. However there is enough here not worry about who isn’t in the movie, it’s a shame Jet Li is only in it for about 10 minutes, and it’s a shame Nan Yu is in it at all, she makes Stallone look like Olivier. Terry Crews is on top form as usual, a complete animal ripping spring loaded doors open and also showing his culinary side with a nice bowl of rigatoni. Statham seemed to have stepped it up a notch with his fighting, he was brutal in his one on one fight and when he was dressed as a preist, who’d have thunk incense could be such a good weapon! Stallone was a bit to broody for my liking but his ‘Boss Battle’ with JCVD was up there with the likes of Matrix Vs. Bennet, I loved every second of this fight. Chuck Norris was simply Chuck Norris, he wasn’t in it for long but his introduction scene was hilarious, especially when he uses a Chuck Norris fact. The standout was Dolph Lundgren, he was brilliant! His dialogue craked me up, his attemps to flirt with Maggie were hilarious and the scene where he attemps to build a bomb had everyone in the screening laughing. Well don’t that man, a complete turnaround to the first movie (except for the opening).

Storyline and script are something of a muchness here, at the end of the day Stallone wrote it and it was never going to win an Oscar. The fact you are watching some of the best action stars shoot everything makes you not care about the flat dialouge. The script doesn’t detract from the action, expect maybe for the “when we get dark, we get pitch black” speech…#shudder#. The one liners come thick and fast, the Arnie jokes are plentiful and enjoyable, there are even a few other cheeky winks to our other favourite 80’s actioners which I wont spoil for you.

The opening scene is straight out of Mad Max, beefed up cars with even beefier guns and even beefier occupants, I totally want a girder with ‘Knock Knock’ welded to my bonnet when I drive to Tesco on the weekend! The mine section is reminisent of Battlefield 3, and the airport scene is straight out of Modern Warfare 2, clearly Simon West enjoys a first person shooter. JCVD was roundhouse kicking his way around the place like Bloodpsort, Timecop and Kickboxer combined, all these references add up to the fun of the movie. Arnie ripping the door off a smart car and saying his shoe is bigger? Brilliant! Also JCVD’s name is Vilain…Vilain! Brilliant!

The one thing I’d say would make this a better movie – less talk more violence! More is always better…except for poison.


Posted on August 28, 2012, in Film and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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